I don’t know if I want to go to a therapist because I don’t want to be judged too quickly since I’m recognizing everything and trying to fix it, it’s not like I continue it. It’s kind of a long story.

I’m a model, since I was very young I wanted to be a model, when I was 15 was when I actually took some action in trying to become one. I was excited because I always got compliments that I should be a model, anyway, very happy at 15 i tried to work on looking like famous supermodels. I printed photos of all my favorite pictures and hanged them in my bedroom walls and ceiling, they were the first thing I saw when I woke up, I was 5’1 and weighed 105. When I learned my model Idol was 5’11 and weighed 108 i bought a tape measure and started watching and measuring my waist, arms and legs etc. I started to do everything in eating and resting etc. to naturally grow taller and I did, (I’m now 5’10.5). I lived in New York, so finding a good agency wasn’t hard work, Next New York accepted me and I started. By the time I started I was 5’7 and 16 years old and weighed 100 lbs. After doing some runways I got the attention of some people and got so lucky I left home 16 to begin the career. A year later I saw how agents pushed other models into getting skinnier. I remember everyday I would stand in the mirror and talk to myself and say the same thing every night "Look at yourself, take a good look at yourself, you have such a pretty face, what a great personality you have, you’d be so much better if you were thin" Eventually I started changing the last word and changing it to thinner, then the thinnest etc. I’m not anorexic. I’m under weight yes, but not anorexic, and I don’t want to be, but there are models skinner than I am and it puts me down. At 18 I started to get little sleep and got unde eyes, I started smoking (I quit now) and I’d party with other people like me. I like my job, I’ve been featured in magazines twice, I like my salary and I met many inspiring people there.

I took a break from it and tried to get healthy again. I’m about 120, I’m 18 I finally started college, I want to be skinnier or at least as skinny as Jessica stam for instance, who’s my height (she’s 109). But I don’t want to be as skinny as I use to be, because most of my high school friends made jokes and everything and it was NOT fun. I feel depressed with how much weight I should lose, when I was at a good weight (110) I lived off of silk milk, water, berries and almonds.

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